Tag: depression

My Personal Journey

My Battle with Lyme Disease

This part of my journey has been very new to me and probably to a lot of you. About two months ago, I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. (Click here to find out more general information on Lyme.) First off, I want to say that I’m not writing this as a pity party for myself, but to educate those around me to what I’ve been facing. The Lord has been so good to me during this process, and even though I’ve been facing physical and mental struggles, He has been present through it all.

My last post was about anxiety and depression. My world was opened up four months ago to a huge battle that was going on inside my mind. One that I couldn’t seem to express to others or come to believe for myself. I know these are true struggles for many people, but can sometimes be overlooked by the Christian community as a lack of trust in the Lord. Four months ago, I was not me. I was attacked and broken by my own brain. I knew the Lord was there and active, but there was a huge disconnect between what I knew and how I felt.

As I was at home and struggling deeply with these two things, I was finally getting better and recovering. One day in November, after Thanksgiving, there was a day where I actually felt like myself. I felt like Hannah. I had energy, excitement, and hope bursting out of me for the first time in a long time.

I was so excited, and I decided to take this time I was off from school to be purposeful. I chose to reach out to my high school basketball coach and ask if I could help out with the varsity team there. Keep in mind, I know like 5 things about basketball and one of them is how to foul out consistently. Needless to say, I wasn’t going to be much of a help to the team or coaching staff. However, they accepted me with open arms.

Finally, I was able to do something with purpose. I was pretty anxious about going back to high school since I hadn’t been there for so long. Who would I see? What questions would they ask? It’s embarrassing having to take time off of school, so what would people think?

That day, thankfully, I was greeted with friendly and judgment-free faces. Although I had clear supporters, it was still extremely difficult to admit what was truly going on in my life. This was the first day I had talked about my anxiety and depression without crying. A huge step towards healing.

The plan was to run some drills with the girls as an extra player because small Christian schools seem to have a hard time just getting 10 girls to play. Anyways, I was rearing to go. It felt good to put on my basketball shoes that I hadn’t worn in quite some time. I thought since I was a collegiate soccer player, I would be able to hang with a few high school athletes even though I’d been down and out for almost two months. I couldn’t have been THAT out of shape, right?

Well, I was proven wrong. In fact, I participated in 3v2v1, according to my Fitbit, for exactly 8 minutes. Yes, I didn’t mistype. Eight short minutes. During these 8 minutes, I managed to fall on my butt pretty hard. I clearly was keeping up with my high school reputation of being clumsy. Now, I was just a clumsy college girl. Go me! Also, I didn’t take my inhaler, so I couldn’t breathe, AND I was dehydrated and thought I was going to pass out. I did great this day. Despite the struggle, I planned on coming back the next day for practice.

The next day, I woke up to my alarm as normal, but I felt like I got hit by a bus, or two, or twelve. At this point my body was a little sore, but not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I started my day normally, and within an hour of being awake, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. This was after getting about 10 hours of sleep the night before. I fell asleep on my favorite couch (I love couches for naps. There is nothing better.) for about 2 hours. I woke up from this nap and still felt beat.

Now I know at this point you’re probably thinking “You slept too much, that’s the problem” or “Dang I wish I could sleep for 12 hours a day.” I wish both of those statements could be true. Day after day, I felt muscle aches and soreness throughout my body along with fatigue that seemed impossible to cure. I couldn’t sleep right even though I slept for nearly 17 or 18 hours a day. I was still exhausted, and my brain function was equivalent to a pile of mush. I couldn’t think, read, or write properly. I was literally a couch potato, but not by choice.

This next part is gross, but I think it illustrates the pain and struggle of how hard these past months have been for me. I’ve realized that I took showers for granted before. Now, they were difficult for me. I don’t remember exactly how long, but I most likely went a week or so without showering because it took that much out of me. Even then, some days, I had to sit on a stool to make it through.

While experiencing all of the physical, mental, and spiritual struggles, I had absolutely no idea what was truly going on inside me. I’m so grateful for my mom, who never stopped trying to find a doctor to help me.

Through the Lord’s provision and timing, she was able to get into contact with a Lyme Literate Practice. Thankfully, an appointment was set up for me within two weeks. Typically, it could take four months to get an appointment. While my mom and I thought it could be Lyme disease, weren’t sure because I had never tested positive for it before even though I had experienced similar symptoms several times before.

I met with the Lyme Literate Doctor on January 2nd. Happy New Year to me! I was finally going to get answers about what had been going on in my body. He was everything I could have ever asked for in a doctor. He believed me. He listened to me. He genuinely wanted to make me feel better and to be able to live life fully. Without blood tests being done, he was certain I had Lyme disease based on my symptoms and our hour long conversation.

Fortunately, he decided to put me on antibiotics to start killing the bacteria inside me as soon as possible. Along with the antibiotics, I was given a list of natural supplements to take daily, and I was asked to stay on a gluten-free and dairy-free diet until my next appointment. I did what was asked of me, and began to feel very small positive changes inside of me. Nothing that anyone else could see, but only something I could feel.

Three weeks later was my check up appointment to go over the results of my 20 test tubes of blood that were taken. I had no idea what the results were going to be. I discovered I have Lyme disease and Bartonella, which is another tick born co-infection that more specifically affects the joints.

In addition to these diagnoses, the blood tests revealed the damage the disease has done to other systems of my body. Some parts impacted significantly are my glucose level, hormones, and sensitivities to wheat, dairy, and egg. I am also at risk of developing rheumatoid arthritis at a young age.

After discussing the results, I was put on an additional antibiotic for Bartonella and many more natural supplements. I was told to go on an even stricter diet called Auto-Immune Paleo. In summary, this means I can eat most vegetables, all fruit, and meat.

Currently, I am in a phase of extreme recovery and taking every day as it comes. I truly don’t know how I’m going to feel each day. I am trying my best to follow the doctor’s orders, which includes resting, resting, and more resting, which is the hardest thing I’ve had to do since I am typically an extremely active and busy person. I’m thankful that I have seen so many positive changes. For example, I have been able to stop taking my anxiety medicine, and I am working to stop my depression medication. I truly believe Jesus is healing me from the inside out and using this experience to guide me closer to Him.

Below is a picture explaining exactly how I feel on a day to day basis and how I will most likely feel for the rest of my life. It is a quick explanation of my energy level and that there is only a certain amount of it I have each day. If I go over my allotted energy, I will be impacted for the days to come. It is important for me to stay disciplined and conserve energy when I can. This is from But You Don’t Look Sick, which is a website that discusses various chronic illnesses more deeply.

 

My story is just one of many struggling with chronic Lyme disease. If it is not detected in the early stages of infection, it becomes more difficult to diagnose, and the long term effects are greater. I’d love to make this a conversation with you. If you have any questions about Lyme or my journey (as this is a brief overview), please ask them! Let’s talk!

Mental Illness

8 Ideas for Managing Depression and Anxiety

As I explained in my last post, I dealt with some health issues in the fall and left school prematurely. When I got home, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, something I never imagined could happen to me. While I’m doing better today, I know each day can bring new pressures. Below I made a list of things that helped me during the darkest and scariest time my of life I’ve experienced. I know there’s no right way for someone to manage their anxiety or depression. This is just what worked and is working for me. It’s hard to see a friend experiencing these, and one can often feel like a helpless onlooker. I also added ideas of support I did or wished I received during this challenging time.

1) Follow the doctor’s orders.

For yourself: Don’t be afraid to admit something is wrong. It will probably feel entirely out of your control because if it is anxiety or depression, it doesn’t define who you are. You might beat yourself up each time you think something could be wrong. Be willing to get help in whatever capacity you need. Go to the doctor, and follow his directions. You can get better.

As a friend: Support them and encourage them to see a doctor. Offer to take them or go with them. Support them in their decision making, but never force them to do something they aren’t ready to do. Check in with your friend after the appointment and see how they’re doing.

2) Pray.

When I was in the deepest hold of depression and anxiety, I really couldn’t get myself to do this. At least not more than a sentence.

For yourself: God hears the small short prayers, so even if you can only spit out a few words, He cares. He’s there. He hears you. All you have to do is try to talk to Him. It’s hard but worth it.

As a friend: Ask to pray with your friend. Notice I said with not just for. To me, there’s always been something special about one of your best friends praying over you. Pray for them while you sit with them. Your friend might not be able to utter words that you can. Give your friend a voice. Also, still pray for them when you’re apart.

3) Read Scripture.

This is another area that was extremely difficult for me to do as well, but there are so many simple ways to do this.

For yourself: Start small. Use the Bible app, and simply read the verse of the day. Only a couple sentences can help change your outlook for the day. It’s okay if you miss a day. Don’t beat yourself up. Life is one long journey.

As a friend: Make sure you are in the Word yourself. Text/talk to your friend about what you’ve been learning and share verses. Even sending encouraging quotes is sometimes nice. Leaving handwritten notes is also so special. (thanks soccer team <3)

4) Attend Counseling.

This kind of goes along with listening to your doctor’s orders. It’s hard to open up and discuss what’s going on in between your ears, but it is so worth it. I can remember my first counseling appointment. I cried for more of it than I talked, but it was a safe place. Thankfully, I’ve made incredible progress.

For yourself: You won’t want to go, so ask someone to go with you or at least drive you there. Remember, all your problems won’t get solved in one sitting. Express what you can, when you can. A little bit is better than nothing at all. Be consistent (go at least once a week to start), and find someone you are comfortable with.

As a friend: Offer to go with them to the appointments. If they say no, respect that and don’t push. If they say yes, just be there with them. Don’t say anything. You may think you know your friend really well, but you can’t read their mind. Only chime in if they ask.

5) Eat wisely and drink lots of water.

Everyone can always benefit from this. It was hard for me when I was struggling to make sure I still ate vegetables and stopped eating dessert 3 times a day.

For yourself: Don’t be too strict, but put in a conscious effort to eat wisely. If you eat badly, you will feel worse. Also, staying hydrated and fueling your brain properly is very important for mental and physical health.

As a friend: You do the same thing. It can only help you. Maybe don’t order that pizza at 11 pm or chocolate milkshake at 2 am then visit your friend with your new food. Don’t criticize your friends eating habits, but support healthy decisions.

6) Exercise. 

When I was depressed or anxiety-filled, one of the last things I wanted to do was move. Or really just get out of bed. Exercise, even small, helps everyone feel at least a tad bit better.

For yourself: Try to do something active at least 5 days a week. This doesn’t mean you have to run 5 miles every day, do an intense tabata workout, or max out on your squat. Try to walk around campus for 30 minutes or the treadmill or an elliptical or a stationary bike. Change up what you do and where you do it. If you miss a day, don’t beat yourself up. Again, something is better than nothing.

As a friend: If you’re going to the gym or doing a workout, invite your friend. Respect their yes or no answer for the time being, but don’t count them out the next day or the next. Keep the offer open and inviting. Always offer, never force. Your friend will go when they think they can, especially if you are persistent and encouraging.

7) Start a new hobby. 

I’ve started a couple new hobbies. This helps to take my mind off of everyday stressors and puts my focus on a bigger project. Some hobbies I dove into are gardening (indoors), journaling, reading, listening to podcasts, starting a blog, and selling clothes online through Poshmark. (Sign up for Poshmark with the invite code H_BERNSTEIN, and receive $5 towards your first order.)

For yourself: Try something you’ve always been curious about but hesitant to try. This could be calligraphy, creating a YouTube channel, starting your own business, or whatever else has been on your mind. Give yourself space to think big and grace to get there. Start small and see where a new passion takes you. Make sure it’s a stress reliever, not an inducer. If you stink at the hobby you chose, stop and try a new one. What do you have to lose?

As a friend: Join them in their new hobby, and encourage them to try new things. Maybe you’ll be really bad at what your friend is really good at. Oh well! It would be a good laugh for both of you. Most of all, be their biggest cheerleader.

8) Invest in something bigger than yourself. 

This is something I’m still trying to work on. Because of other health issues that were magnified, I haven’t been able to do activities I had hoped I could do.

For yourself: Invest in people. Find the age group you love. This could be elementary, middle, or high school students, elderly people, babies or toddlers, or college students. Once you find this, research local ways to participate and help these specific groups of people. Try it out and build new relationships you never thought were possible.

As a friend: Go with them to these volunteer opportunities or get involved somehow. Help your friend research places to go and things to do. It may not be your favorite age group, and you might not be entirely comfortable in the situation. Give yourself space to grow and learn alongside a friend.

Finally, I’d like to leave you with a few Psalms that are encouraging to me. Sometimes we just need a reminder of God’s love and faithfulness.

Psalm 9:10 “And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; for You, LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.”

Psalm 12:6 “The words of the LORD are pure words, like silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times.”

Psalm 16:8-9 ” I have set the LORD before me; Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will rest in hope.